(Updated from an earlier post from 2012! There is a fairy above our heads in the picture above, but no pun was intended!)
When you are in a same sex marriage with an adopted son, this is a question that is bound to come up. I have not read the books and I don’t know who I can believe when they say they are an expert; so my plan from the beginning has been to just wing it when pressed to answer this type of question. And by winging it, I mean to be as honest as possible, with occasional evasiveness.
“You have a birth mom.” This is how I refer to the woman that grew my son in her belly for 8 1/2 months. She is not his mom, I have been the one doing all of the traditional mom jobs in my son’s life. But she did give birth to him. And five other children. So I tell him that she couldn’t take care of any of them. Not to demean her, but to allay any thoughts he might have that he was the one left behind, not kept. Again, honest and also protective.
And he knows we are his parents. Any questions that come up are not to put distance in our relationship, but rather, just to answer his own queries as to how we all came together. And he loves us and is completely part of our family, just as much as we are part of his. But he has 2 dads and no mom. So whatever comes along, there will always be that tiny bit of difference for him. Thankfully, in this day and age, there are other children with 2 dads. And 2 moms. And several single parents in our school who are single and parents by choice, families with only 1 parent, some through adoption, some through artificial insemination. I use this to point out to my son that all families are different. Thankfully there are also many adopted kids in our school and many families that came together in different ways. My concern is always that my son not feel that he stands out because his family is not the traditional “norm,” We talk about how our family is different, and that many other families that we know are also different. Then I confuse him by telling him that we are all the same, because we are all different! Thankfully in America we are legally married!
Only one situation, so far in 13 years, has arisen for us that was awkward, when a boy at school told our son he had to have a mother. There was a big scuffle between all of the families, and then we found out the kid was just referring to the fact that a woman has to be the one to give birth. We over reacted, because we are protective!
Next (Horrible) Question– can I see my birth mom? No. No way. Not ever. Over my dead body.
Of course that is just in my head, I am not perfect, I have some fears resting in the back of my insecure brain. But, out loud, I say of course, when you are 18. “Why 18?” Because when you are 18 she cannot steal you away from us! Again, I do not say that out loud, but that is the fear in mine, and many adopted parents minds. I tell him 18 because that is when he is legally an adult. He has not pressed me for more information yet on that score, but I know that he needs some amount of maturity that being 18 will bring, to face such an emotional situation. My philosophy is: the truth is important, I want to support all his needs, and I get to decide when he is ready to handle this part of his personal history. Because I am his parent.
So I will just continue to stalk her via social media until my son turns 18! It’s less expensive then hiring a personal detective! Shh, don’t tell him!
This is great! I think you and your husband are doing an excellent job at raising y’alls son, and of course you are mom / dad. I think it’s a normal question for any adopted child (I don’t know from experience) to ask about his or her birth mother sometime before they’re 18 if they know they are adopted. But very good of you and your spouse to not allow contact until he turns 18. I believe that is a very wise choice for not just you, but any adoptive / legal parent of said child.
Keep up the good work!
OMG. Yes, he has a mom. And he’s fabulous! For real, when I read your posts on your son and your family, I always picture you as a big, dad-bod, mommy-man flitting around the house doing laundry and making dinner and fussing over your boys. You are an absolute joy to read, and I think you’re an awesome mom.
Not to take away from the other things in your post AT ALL, though. I think you handle all of his questions quite well. Both you and your husband are doing an awesome job with your son. Keep being the magical, rainbow winged, fairy mom that you are. I’ll tell you this right now. You’re about 5 zillion times better than my mom ever was.
What a lucky boy!! I witnessed the love you both have for him and can honestly say that he is blessed. Maybe every kid needs two dads:)
Your son is blessed to have 2 great dads
Being a mother that has adopted I can totally understand your situation. I think you handled that perfectly.
love the last line. that was the best
You dad’s, both doing incredible job with your son, he loves you and no birth mother is going to steal him away from you… Happy Father’s day!
Oh Mitch, you just made me love you even more. It so obvious how much that you and your husband love your son.
Great job with the small insecurities that abound. We all have them in one way or another. The final line though, is that It’s evident how much you love your son and how lucky he is (and vice versa) that you do. 🙂
You are doing a fine job with your son! He is lucky to have two people who love him so much and when he gets older, he will feel so blessed. I have seen so many children with horrible moms that I feel sorry for them. And horrible Dads too. :.((
Love is the key to having a happy child. Your child will understand all of this one day.
Mitch, a great piece. just so you know there are so many things that I think but do not say out loud when people ask questions. Also, there is one other way of becoming a single parent (like me!), just saying’!
I just love this Mitch! I start to wonder if the world “traditional” is now ‘old-fashion’. I say that because in life now and for a while I think, a family is what/how you make it.
His curiosity is really all he will be seeking at 18 years old, because he won’t want for anything more with the love you both give him.
You are an excellent Dad, and to have 2 awesome Dads I think is the most wonderful thing of all. The love he gets from 2 Dads is so much more than from a woman that obviously didn’t value his life (some want more for their child-so possibly that is it).
Ok I am rambling. You have an awesome family and I always enjoy seeing your updates. Thank you for allowing me a small glimpse into your life.
I am an adoptive mother. We adopted our son from Bulgaria at age 2.5. We met him almost a year earlier but adoptions take time. I rarely think of my son as anything other then “my son!” I don’t even think about the women who carried and gave birth to my son. My son is my son. I love him as if he came from my womb. He is so much like us. Maybe not in looks but he is our kid in every other way. I graduated from high school on Friday. He went to a special needs school but in no way is this kid anything other then “special!” He has exceeded all our expectations. He is a great human being. Everyone loves him. He is our son because of how we raised him. In this way, genetics takes a backseat to how he was nurtured. THAT is who he is.
His parentage came up a few years ago. I think it was a phase because he stopped asking. He knows who his real parents are. I am grateful every day for his birth mother for giving him life but I am the one who gave him a life.
It’s evident how much you love your son and how lucky he is to have two dads.