Now that I am socially connected and in various Facebook groups that cover me for all the different aspects of my life, I can tell you that this is the time of year that my gay parenting crowd questions the role of parents, who is whom, who does what, and what do we all celebrate.
So I backtrack to Friday evening. My son did not eat much dinner as he had some recent orthodontic work that left his mouth a bit sore. Halfway into his allotted Xbox time, he left the living room, where he was sitting next to his other dad, and came down the hall of our apartment to ask me for some more dinner. He turns 12 this month. He could have gone into the kitchen to make himself something to eat, or at least to see what was there, or he could have gone to his other dad. What he did was, what he is programmed to do, he went directly to the primary caregiver in the house to ask for this primary need to be met. Does this make me a “Mom?” No, but it is part of the mosaic in our house that confirms that I am the primary caregiver, which throughout history has been the role of the Mom.
And there are plenty of stay at home dads today that may perform the same function that I do in the home. And by plenty, shall we cap it at 5%? In heterosexual couples, how often do the kids go to the dad for their primary needs to be met? I have no idea! That’s why this article is only about our same sex parenting situation. By the way, any statistics I use are entirely made up by me for the purpose of me getting my point across.
On occasion my husband may put our son to bed. And by on occasion we are talking once a month. I am the one who calls out that it is bedtime, I am the one who pushes the schedule through, and I am the one who sits patiently until my son drops off to sleep (his request, and my honor to still be needed!).
These are the roles that fell to me when we adopted our son. I am “like” the Mom. That does not however make me the wife, although I can be a big nag. Not that that means that wives nag! I did not lose my job until our son was over two years old. Perhaps I took upon the caregiver role so easily because I lived on my own during my twenties while my spouse has never lived on his own. Perhaps it is my control issues. Except I do not have any of those!
For the sake of celebrating Mother’s Day, we don’t and we never will. No mom resides here. And that seems to work for us because we know folks who have no dad, so they don’t have a Father’s Day to celebrate. We are all the same because we are all different. And we live in NYC where, before they start to make holiday projects, they confirm with you who is to be included. So we bypass the Mom title and use this day to celebrate Grandmothers, of which my son has two. Some of our friends make a bigger production of the day, but I feel that the day is about celebrating women, so we just jump up a generation to the Grandma’s and say nothing further on the subject. The bottom line is, if the kids do not ask, never over complicate it for them, otherwise it becomes about the parent’s agenda, not the kids!
I think that you are the nurturer in your home and that you deserve recognition on this day and every other day just like all moms. Sending you a big hug today.
I feel this completely 😉 My son doesn’t have a father and has never known a father figure in his life. He does have a few uncles we spend the day with celebrating as they are fathers. We don’t put more into than we need to either. It is what it is, and we celebrate mothers day not jsut with me but with my mom, grandmother and his aunts. He has many “moms” in his life he loves. I am sure most children do. great blog though, have a good day!!
Great post, Mitch! I think straight people, myself included are always trying to figure out the roles parents in a same sex marriage play. I think it’s because we’ve only really experienced heterosexual marriages, so we try to put that stamp on it. I am guilty of trying to figure out who the “mom” and “dad” are in a same sex marriage, but it’s not from a biggotted standpoint. It’s more like curiosity, if that makes sense?
Of course it makes sense. I am thrilled that I am getting people to think about such things, that is why I still blog. This is all a learning process for all of us!
Every family- gay or straight- has to do what works for them. Folks take on the roles that come naturally to them or that they’re best at, and children are very aware of people’s personalities and relationships from an early age. That’s how all families work, and the successful ones come from everyone stepping in to do what needs to be done instead of trying to keep ‘score’. Hoping your family had a wonderful weekend!
Happy Late Mother in Day to you I laid in my hot tub having an internet free day
What a thoughtful post. As lesbian mothers, we are a bit overwhelmed by mothers’ day. Some of our friends just call it, “Mothers and Fathers day.” I kind of like that approach. Too much to celebrate to put things into boxes. Happy mother’s day to you.
It sounds like the two of you have a great family and are being great parents. I wish you all the best with this beautiful family you have