My son is 11 1/2 and I have already started to discuss the sanctity of marriage. Because yes, this big gay man does believe marriage is a sacred institution.
My boyfriend moved in with me almost 23 years ago. I believe that moving in together is to be taken seriously, as serious as marriage. I did not make the decision to have Peter move in as a “test.” It was tell death do us part. Otherwise we would have been like college roommates having sex, no commitment involved. Neither of us had any interest in that type of an arrangement.
Now that my son has started puberty, has gotten sex education in middle school, and seen the videos on how babies are made, I believe it is also time to discuss marriage. My feeling is, if you want to have sex with other people, do what you must (being safe of course), but do not get married until you are ready to commit for life. Otherwise, do not get married. Until you can commit sexually (as well as the other commitments) to one person, do not get married!
I want it to be clear to him, from his parent, that marriage is a very serious institution, not a temporary situation as many in our society now seem to treat it.
I would love to fool around with different men all the time. But, one day at a time, for over 22 years, I have only been with one man. I will not predict the future, but I can share that my goal is to stay faithful till death do us part. So far we both have an excellent shot at it! That’s just how we were both raised. No matter what, you stay faithful. Again, why else get married?
I am grateful to also be able to use my parents as an example. I tell my son, grandma and grandpa have been together over 59 years and have always been faithful. Cheating is a negative word because it is a negative action. His grandparents and dads haven’t cheated and don’t intend to, and hopefully he will think it through if the situation should ever come up for him.
Is this too young to talk to him about the subject of marriage? I do not think so. And again, this post is not about pushing anyone to get married. This post is about what making that choice entails. I am quite clear when we have these talks that getting married means you are committed to one person “till death do us part,” and that means many things, including sexually. At this point, when I say the word sex, my son completely shuts down as he cannot deal with hearing his old man talk about that stuff!
I also want to share our discussions re fighting in the house because I try to show my son respect by explaining all that goes on in our world. I tell him that when I fight with my spouse (his other dad), when it gets loud in the house, that is how we get things off of our chests. Do not hold anything in. Of course yelling is not optimal, but sometimes arguments escalate. And I make sure he knows that doesn’t mean we stop loving each other. Sometimes married people get frustrated. But the important thing to do is talk it out, work it out, and get through it together. Running away won’t help anyone.
Lastly, as a very famous man once said, we stayed married because we never both wanted to get divorced at the same time. Words to live by!
He is most definitely not too young. Good for you for talking to him about it, and especially for setting a good example!
I love your advice. It’s perfect and exactly how I feel. I hope my grandchildren will grown up with those beliefs.
You are teaching him values and it is never too young to learn. You might want to break up the two talks though, and talk about the parental disagreements issue separately. I think one might distract from the other. But you know your family best!
What excellent advice. My son got married last year after being with his than girlfriend for 8 years. I told him not to rush things and to make sure it was what was going to make him happy for the long run. I hope the values I instilled in him through my marriage- trust, respect, commitment and compromise- are things that he will also value.
it is unfortunate that Divorce has lost its Shame factor, because it is still extremely damaging to everyone involved, especially the children. Children of divorce are negatively affected for the rest of their lives. Every study has shown that divorce damages, while repairing faltering marriages results in healthier lives. Keep pushing the “Til death do we part” agenda!