A Quarter Century of Sobriety!

I had my last drink on December 15, 1989. I still remember: it was a Friday evening, I had a couple of drinks, I had a couple of other things, and I went to the bank to get money for more. Alas, the bank would not cooperate and I was unable to get any money. So I did something I had not done before. I gave up trying. I have not had a drink since. I may yet still have a drink, but one day at a time, my goal is to stay away from alcohol.

I also remember sitting in meetings listen to sober people talking about how long they had gone without a drink. I thought it would be really cool to stop before January 1st so I could have a shot at a whole decade sober!  And just so you know, it fits in perfectly with the characteristics of an alcoholic to project ahead 10 years!

And what was different about December 15? I do not know. I can tell you that I had started going to meetings seriously in July of that same year. I had a friend try to tell me to go, and I had a sister-in-law at the time trying to get sober. It wasn’t for me, but for some reason I thought I should take a serious look at the program and managed to get 30 days clean in August of 1989. And do you know what that 30 days did for me? It convinced me that I didn’t need the program! Luckily I did more “research” as they say, and did make several more attempts to get and stay sober.

And so far, it clicked on December 15th. I had enough, I heard enough, and I was tired. I was finally ready.

Was it easy? When you are used to a life of shit, life without shit is very uncomfortable. I was reminded of this the other day when I was consoling a friend. She is a hoarder to the nth degree. I saw her apartment and it barely had a path to the bed. Her brother finally kept a decades long promise and bought her a two bedroom apartment. She was extremely uncomfortable. As with me, she was used to living in squalor, as bad as it is to live this way, one gets used to it and change is very scary.

Of course I eventually got used to living without shit. I also heard the simplest of phrases that taught me how to live my life. Because you see I did not know how to live, how to accomplish simple tasks, how to move forward in my life.

Keep it simple, feelings aren’t facts, turn it over (talk about it ) and let it go (pre-Frozen!). Having a bad day? Start the day over from wherever you are! All the quaint little AA sayings helped me to stay sober one day at a time, and eventually they became mantras and helped me to live my life to the fullest.

I put an ad in the paper when I had about three years sober. I wanted to date. I used to go to bars to meet guys but guess what? I drank instead! AA guided me through the process, I only had to take the next step in front of me and show up for a date. I did not have to meet each person and think about marriage. I just had to show up, take the action, and let go of the results!

And now I am married to a man! We have been together for 22 1/2 years. Forget the gay marriage longevity record, we are ahead of a lot of heterosexuals in length of marriage. Also, most everyone knows, there is no happily ever after. You have to work at it. All the tools of AA help me to stay married, one day at a time! Yes, the secret is now revealed to you – the 12 steps and all the quaint little AA sayings work for all parts of your life, not just staying sober!

And we have a child. We talked about being parents the second week we were dating. That solidified our early commitment to each other and we spent the next 10 years preparing. It was a pipe dream really because there was no way it could actually happen: we were not rich, we lived in a studio apartment, and we were gay.

So I listened to the 12 step program of AA, and I used the principles for staying sober as principles for living a full life. I took each next step in front of me. I did not project the end of the story. It was so impossible it was actually easier to not see the goal. I alsoprayed a lot.

The old me would have seen the adoption work as a huge hill that I could not get over. The 12 steps said I did not have to go over a huge hill, I just had to do the next right thing. Just fill out a few papers. Just pray, Just show up for a meeting at the gay community center for a meeting of the Wannabe Dads and Moms. Wow. Do other people live life this simply and easily? It was quite a shock, but also a wonderful epiphany!

You already know the ending to that story! We have a, 11 1/2 year old son, adopted right out of the belly. Gd took care of us, and was with us the whole time. (Now it is just daily work in trying to believe Gd has not completely abandoned all of us in middle school and puberty! Ha!).

And I don’t want to drink. In my heart I know I would not want just one, I would want many to deaden the pain of life. Instead I feel everything and live through it.

Just do not ever ask me to babysit your cakes, ice cream, pies or milk shakes! My addictive personality may have moved a tiny bit to a different substance(s)!