Is not different than your straight marriage. It is just as miserable as any 21 year marriage in America, and just as joyful. And that is why I started the blog.
We met, we fell in love, we moved in together. Both of us wanted nothing more than to become parents, so we spent 10 years working towards that goal. My spouse went to law school and began that career. I worked as a fundraiser and paid off our bills. And we moved to a 2 bedroom apartment in a rent stabilized community n Manhattan, that was a process that was quick in NYC terms, it only took 5 years. We knew we could not raise a child in our studio apartment.
And we looked at all options, like any heterosexual couple that could not procreate by themselves, would have looked at. We decided to try the adoption route. We were very lucky, after less than a year, we brought our baby boy home from Arizona. I was in the room with the birth mom when he was born, she told the hospital we would be adopting him, they then chose to immediately treated us as his parents. Just like a straight couple.
We both had jobs so we choose a local daycare for our son. By the time that was over I had lost my job so I became a stay at home dad. It was clear that my son needed a stay at home parent, luckily we were able to pull that off financially. Β It meant not saving for a house, but after school programs for my son would not have worked. I will always be grateful for this time with my son.
So, I became the equivalent of the “mom.” Some folks take umbridge at that, but the bottom line is, I began to do everything but earn the money.
What is this everything that I do? I make sure the family gets fed, I make sure the house is cleaned (sometimes), and I make sure our son does his homework. That is our exciting “gay” life. It is the same as a straight family. Exactly the same: fights about money, fights about sex (or the lack thereof), and fights about how to raise the child. Again, this is why I started the blog, I wanted people who have no familiarity with gay people, except for what they see on TV, to be able to read about us, a normal, boring, American family.
It becomes sad when folks listen to the nonsense and hate spewed on TV. That is why I am an avid fan of Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show.” In reaction to the end of the Defense of Marriage Act, some TV folks were saying that gay marriage is not the way marriage is “supposed” to be. The wonderful John Oliver of the Daily Show (filling in for the summer) pointed out that King Solomon had 500 wives and 300 concubines. Is that what marriage is supposed to be? One has to be careful when they are listening to the idiots of the media who want to tell Americans that marriage has always been between 1 man and 1 woman. The truth is, historically, marriage has never been static, it has always been evolving and changing, exactly as it has done this week.
Back to us. Here is our typical day. We wake up. My spouse goes to work. I prepare my son for a day of school, or currently camp. I have to pack his book bag (daily homework and books), or his camp bag (swim suits, swim shirts, towels), and provide him with a lunch. While they are out I food shop for the day/week. I plan dinner. I do go to the gym every day for health reasons, and not because all gay men have gorgeous gym bodies. I am 240 pounds, no gorgeous gym body here (OK, but I am kind of handsome in an older Jewishy kind of way).
During the school year I pick my son up at 2:40 p.m. and take him to either Hebrew School, drum practice, or the playground. And you know I love the playground, all the moms want to gossip with the gay dad! That’s the stereotypical attention I am looking for! Then we go home and do homework for an hour. Only after homework, and if he has behaved, is he allowed to watch TV. No electronics are allowed during the week, that means video/computer games. What a mean, strict gay dad I am!
The the spouse comes home and we eat dinner. I ask “How was your day?” and he grunts. Ring a bell anyone? Did you know that sort of behavior occurs in gay marriages too? The he reads the paper on the couch while my son finishes his TV time, just like a straight dad, and we start our evening routine of shit, shower, and teeth brushing. Too graphic? Well, sometimes gays get vulgar!
Then we have some snuggle time in front of the TV in our bedroom. My son pretty much demands this snuggle time, he is an affectionate kid and likes to be held by by me, the primary caregiver. This is important to me as I felt a lack of human contact growing up, not that anyone is to blame, that is just what I recall, and I want to do it different with my child. Then I put him to bed, and that requires me to stay in his room until he falls asleep. I am thrilled to still be needed by him, I understand that may change when he becomes a teenager. I want to enjoy it while he still lets me! And I indoctrinate him for the future by saying things like, you can always tell me anything no matter what, never be afraid to talk to your parents, and then I remind him how I have stood up for him at his school. Is it gay of me to try to market the good work I have done for him so he always knows his dad supported him? So he may remember, when he hits those horrible teenage years, that he is not alone, he is supported?
The I return to the bedroom and put the other dad to sleep. Yes, my job is not over until that is done. Instead of Johnny Carson, we watch Will & Grace. Not because that show might have changed the course of how Americans feel about gay people, but because it is easy humor to relate to and drift off into sleep, just like the straights!
So, what do you think? Did you miss the exciting disco lifestyle that you read we are supposed to be living? We dance at family weddings and Bar Mitzvahs and Communions. That’s the extent of it.
Oh wait, Β I forgot to tell you about our weekend escapades! We might spend the day at the Bronx Zoo! Or, we might be able to cajole our son into walking 2 miles to Chinatown so we can enjoy the soup dumplings at Joe’s Shanghai! Cause the Gay Parade is only once a year!
Or, if it is Sunday, we head to Staten Island to visit the Italian side of the family. We eat Sunday dinner with my in-laws; my son has 6 first cousins out there, and many, many second cousins. They all know Paul has 2 dads, and therefore, they have 2 uncles from Paul’s family. And no one cares. Because it is about family, nothing else.
If you read that last paragraph carefully you may deduce that I have an Italian-American mother-in-law. I cannot say anything further than that (cause you have already seen that part of my life on the show, “Everybody Loves Raymond”) except to say that she treats me like she would treat someone married to her first born: I can’t do anything right!
So, to all the crazies who say legal gay marriage will kill religion and America, I say you are wrong, and my family is proof of that. A religious education is important to us, and since I am in the role that is traditional referred to as the mom, my son takes my religion and goes to Hebrew School. To those in our government who say that gay marriage may lead to marriage to animals, I ask, when did they plan on making animals US citizens? To those who say marriage is about procreation, I say you lie. You lie because if it was about procreation, you would not allow single women to have babies, or straight people who could not bear children, the right to get married. Sounds ridiculous? Welcome to America.
Lastly, there is always talk that gay marriage will ruin straight marriage. Again, that is the biggest lie of all. My marriage does not negatively affect anyone, anywhere. If anything it strengthens the institution of marriage. No one has been able to find proof otherwise.
The real enemy of marriage is divorce. But our clergy and politicians never talk about that, us “gays” are a much easier target.
Happy Gay Pride!
And here we are in action, working together to solve a problem! Like a real family!
Oh! The scandal and the glamour! It just never ends. π
Hoping to meet you IRL at BlogHer13!
I LOVE this, Mitch I am glad that I am able to call you my friend!
Mitch, You and your beautiful story just brought me to tears, made me laugh and made me just breath a sigh of relief.
I have many gay people in my family that I don’t even consider different? I mean why is that even a consideration? They are “different?” I don’t think they are. They are just them.
That was babbling.
Anyway what I am trying to say is I LOVE this post! Thank you so much! I want to shout your story to the world because it is exactly what it is, a normal every day life.
Thanks Mitch.My Son and his boyfriend has been talking about marriage and future children. I’m going to pass this on to them.
This made me smile. π But I have one question for you: just WHAT does your “gay marriage” have to do w/ me? *sigh* Continue living your life, continue blogging & maybe you’ll reach one of “them”.
Marriage is 2 people who love each other, that is all. PEOPLE, Not man and woman. And dude, you live my exciting life! Next time I’m in NYC with my kiddos, I’m texting you!
I love this Mitch. TY for writing it and TY for continuing to let us into your life
Great post Mitch! One of my best friends just got the chance to marry the man of his dreams here in Maine and it is just wonderful! We all just need to love each other regardless and this world will be a much better place!
Loved this post! I could just hug you! When issues get down to real people, all the goofiness disappears like a puff of clouds and truth is left in our hearts.
Loved this post and glad you wrote. As your blog wife, I have known you only as a dad (not the gay dad) and get testify to the fact you are like every other straight couple I know. I am happy DOMA got denied because there is no reason gays can not marry and have families just like the straight people.
Beautifully written!
That’s our Mitch, handsome and Jewishy! π Very nice post, Mitch.
Thank you. When my son first told me he was gay, as a mother I had two concerns 1) that he would be a target of homophobics 2) that he would never have a family. I must say that I adore you and you have through this blog confirmed everything my son has told me about a family. Thanks for sharing your life with all of us.
This was a great read. I’m pro gay marriage and I feel you should be treated just as equally as my family!
I love your blog. I love that you are real people, living real life, just like me. I will tell you, I am married to a preacher, who, of course, is opposed to all things gay. It’s okay for him to have his opinion, but mine differs & he knows it. I don’t look at people & see gay, straight, white or black. I look & I see a HUMAN BEING. We are equal. If you are a human being living on this planet with me, you are equal. We were ALL given the gift of our life. We were all given a free will to live this life as we choose. I applaud you for living your life the way YOU want to live it, not the way America, or any other faction, chooses for you to live it. I’m free to live MY life the way I choose & I am thankful for that. So, kudos to you. Live your life to the fullest. Enjoy every minute. Thanks for being REAL!
I don’t get what impression others have of gay marriage. Just because you put a man and a woman together versus a man and a man or a woman and a woman doesn’t mean you’ll have any different issues.
Love reading about your family, your life sounds alot like mine (all you need is homeschool and it would be exact). I love your whole blog thanks for sharing.
Yes your marriage is just that …. A real union of two people who came together in love and deal daily with the reality of life. Thank you for putting your story out there and telling it like it is. It makes me sad that some people must try to keep others down instead of fighting the real problems in society like divorce and other things that hurt our families.
i don’t know you in real life,i just like to read your blog,but i thought of you when it was announced that doma was dead.i keep hoping that gay marriage will be a non issue during my lifetime and it will just be marriage as it should be.sending love your way!
What? I thought gay couples swung from chandeliers all the time π I love that you used your very popular forum to share your life story. I was just talking to a friend today about adoption, and I love to see when a loving couple who so clearly deserve to be parents have that wish come true. This was a great story of “you”. Thanks, Mitch π
awesome post. i read through your whole story one night so long my battery died and i never got back to comment. all the posts about the journey to get your son. beautiful.
your family is a lot healthier than a lot of heterosexual families i’ve met. i was raised to look at how people treat others, and i guess i was lucky because my parents had lots of friends who were biracial, homosexual, heterosexual, or *gasp* unwed couples with children. What matters is the love in the family home. regardless of how that family is structured.
and thank you for reminding people just how much we stay home parents do. to top off our awesome, WE also blog and help support our families all while running our homes. we are super!
I snorted my beverage as I read about grunting at the dinner table! Love this post! I am so happy that you have had 21 (good and bad) years together. If only half the marriages in America made it that long.
Thanks for sharing this glimpse into your life.
It reinforces what I agree with courtesy of comedian Chris Rock when it comes to gay marriage: “Gay people should have the right to be as miserable as the rest of us!”
Hats off Mitch!! To the boring life of being happily married and parents! Thank you for being so candid and sharing a glimpse of your family life. Love your line about doing everything but earning the paycheck–while it might not be $$ signs attached-those cuddle / snuggle times are priceless and yes end way too soon.
Be well and keep enjoying life!
Congrats on your 21 years together! That is awesome. I love your stories and love your blog.
I love that you’re so open about your life and what happens in the day-to-day scheme of things.
I think that marriage will have it’s ups and downs no matter what the sex of your spouse is. And honestly there should be no mention of religion when it comes to laws and rights (separation of church and state anyone?).
21 years is awesome! I’ve only been with my spouse for 12 (6 married). Congrats!
What a great post. I hope it really opens eyes to all those people who have something to say about it.
Ok, you’ve convinced me that your life is as perfectly boring as mine is, but honestly, I sorta figured we’re all living relatively routine and dull day to day lives, no matter who we are!
When my brother got married several years ago, we joked that he was about to become sooooo miserable. Like you, he plays the SAH role. He asked my grandmother to teach him how to make Gefilte Fish… you know, so his new Italian husband could come home from work to this awesome meal. It was awful, he cried and they have been just as perfectly miserable as all the straight people we know! π
It never ceases to amaze me the stupidity of people. That whole ‘animals are next deal’.. WTH is THAT??!! Oy Vay… You continue to be an awesome dad and a loving husband. That’s all that matters. And if you have a decent Gelifte Fish recipe in that big ole gay recipe box of yours… please send it over to my brother π
At first I was like.. I’m like uhhh whats this?
Then I’m reading…and I’m like mmmhmmm…
And I find myself at the end I’m like…awwwww!
It’s so true. The enemy of marriage is divorce.
You’re a wise guy.
You taught me by example to not judge a book by it’s cover.
Thank you.
ADELE
A 21 year marriage is a major accomplishment that only comes with devotion and hard work, so why would it make any difference if the marriage has two men, two women, or a man and woman. I look forward to the day when my grand kids look at me and say “What do you mean that gay people weren’t allowed to get married?”