The recent hot topic of gun control, which comes up stronger and stronger after every horrific incident in this country, needs to be discussed from the perspective of a dad who is against guns, raising a son who lives for weaponry.
We are NYC, Manhattan, pacifistic gay parents. We are against guns. When our son was little, believe it or not, a hot topic in the playground was whether or not to even allow water guns. Yes, we are that extreme in Manhattan.
My entire mind set changed when, at the age of 2 1/2, at a friends Christmas party, my son came out of their basement, after being there for 2 minutes, with 2 guns. A gun in each hand. Not just 1 gun, but 2.
That is when my realizations started to change. Perhaps love of guns/weaponry is an innate thing. I know that is a very difficult idea for many people, but from my anti-gun viewpoint, watching my son growing up and watching his natural affinity for guns, has made me alter my thinking.
He is a typical boy. Denying him guns didn’t work. He would make a gun with 2 of his fingers. Now he can make weapons with just pieces of paper. He does so all the time. It may be genetic, it may be in the straight male code. I don’t know what it is, but I feel it is perfectly natural, this attraction to guns and other weapons. And again, I do not support it, but we need to look closely at this subject because we need to accept that it is innate, and move forward to guide the situation, rather than think it is something we can “fix.”
Boys playing cops and robbers is not something that we teach them, of all the things they see on TV and in the movies, that is what they desire to copy. And regarding video games, my 9 1/2 year old son loves watching his older cousins play violent video games. I won’t allow them in my house at his age, but I can’t deny that he is naturally attracted to that action.
We recently spent a long weekend at Walt Disney World. We enjoyed the Indiana Jones show so much that we saw it twice. My son was begging for a souvenir (no surprise) and finally settled on a pistol, just like Indiana used. If this had occurred after the recent shootings I am sure I would have said no and been able to convince him. At the time I allowed him to buy the gun, I understand it provides necessary role play for boys, he is not looking to go out and one day commit murder. (Footnote, he forgot he has it, and I hid it. I am not beyond manipulation!)
So before you judge, take an honest look at how we are wired as a species. Because while gun control is super important, and one of the hot topics of the day, we cannot deny that there is a natural instinct to be attracted to weapons, most prominently in boys. Once we understand this we can move forward in the most successful way. Living in denial won’t solve the problem, but guidance through honest understanding of our own DNA, might.
No matter how many times I would refuse to let my son get a gun or tell him to stop pretending to play with a gun, he would find creative ways to pretend to use one. Paper cut-outs, bananas, you name it.
Like so many things since becoming a parent, I changed my mind about this issue. I don’t think avoidance solves anything. It makes kids that much more intrigued by it. I now use it as an opportunity to teach him that guns are dangerous and so on.
Frankly it’s not the people who are prepared to use guns safely that are the problem, it’s the ones who will find a way to get them illegally that are dangerous.
I know 2 things – one that gun related suicides are supposedly higher than gun related homicides and two, that heart disease because of the food we eat kills exponentially more people in the US than homocides.
BTW, I love that you hid the gun. I squee with delight when a Nerf dart is left on the floor. The dog chewed it up. Really. Yup. He did.
I grew up around guns. I actually like to shoot them at the shooting range. I have never hunted and we don’t keep any guns loaded at the house. However, after someone tried to get in our home while we were at home, I’m beginning to think we need to load one of them. A few times in the neighborhood there have been some home invasions. A couple of guys kicked in a door not long ago and beat an old man in his 80s until every bone in his face was broken. He was defenseless. I hope I never have to use a gun to defend myself, but I know I can fire one and I can hit a target. I probably would not shoot to kill. If at all possible, I would shoot a leg.
Yeah, I wanted to keep even pretend guns out of my son’s play, but he would build things out of LEGOs or K’nex that were only vaguely gun-shaped, and he’d have them shooting things. I was able to convince him to pretend they shoot water, magic, or lasers that only harm monsters and bad guys. I also make sure he doesn’t point his fake guns AT people. We talk about the danger of real guns, and how if he’s at a friend’s house and finds a real gun, he needs to refuse to touch it, and to RUN and tell an adult. I’ve read about too many tragic accidents where kids die because they found a real gun and try to play with it. And we have, among our friends, an ex-Marine, a shooting range enthusiast… and I don’t know about the parents of his friends from school.
It’s just so frightening out there. But little boys do seem intrinsically drawn to guns. I even broke my own rules about keeping them off the TV… Star Wars is full of blasters. The amusingly geeky kids show Level Up has fantasy-style guns. There’s just no getting away from them. So I’m sticking to my revamped policy of encouraging gun safety measures with even fake guns in our house.
I grew up just outside of NYC, very anti-gun and sure that the world’s problems could be solved if we just didn’t let little boys play with guns. Then I married a guy who grew up hunting and target shooting in Kansas and had two boys. . ..My boys are allowed to play with water guns and Nerf guns and make guns out of Trio blocks, but they have to follow the same rules my husband had with real guns while growing up; no pointing them at people and no using them to threaten people. They are, however, allowed to pretend to shoot water at people. So even if the toy gun is supposed to look like a real gun, my kids pretend it’s a water pistol. All of the fun, none of the pretending to kill people.
This is all interesting as a mother of a toddler daughter. She has no interest in guns. She loves to play dress up and pretend she is a fairy or a princess. She is not exposed to any TV that has guns as the shows for the preschool set are pretty benign. Her older nephews have several Nerf guns and other play guns. She does not role play with them in “shoot outs” like they do. Instead, she likes to try to push the green balls into the opening of the gun and that’s about it. I don’t know if it’s innate or if it’s societal cues that shape what boys and girls prefer to do, but overall it does seem very, very different what their interests are.
I had the same obsession with guns as a kid. My parents never let me get a realistic toy gun so I made them out of Legos, pretended with sticks and hogged toy guns at friends houses. I don’t believe there is any correlation with fantasy and reality in this case. When it comes up with my son I intend to force him to use his imagination as I did. My thinking is that the deeper violence stays in the realm of fantasy, the farther it will always be from reality.
-M
I was completely anti-gun with the kids before I had them (for my husband to have them, too, but that’s another story) The kids, even though they didn’t have any found ways to make guns. I think it’s in their DNA.
Teaching your children about the dangers of guns are very important! Also , recognizing people that have “social behavior” issues that shouldn’t be allowed to have guns OR being around them is equally as important. I’m NOT anti-gun, in fact , I’m definitely a supporter of it! With this being said, I think that as a gun owner, you have a tremendous amount of responsibility that comes with it, such as being sure that it is in safe LOCKED place! I have it for protection! My husband works third shift and I have three kids…we have an alarm system, a dog, and if all else fails a gun…. trust me, I NEVER EVER want to use it, I want it to stay a big paper weight…but I have it just in case I need to defend myself and/or my family. Yes, it’s in your DNA 😛 You are “wired” that way….and I have a son that is 10 months old, I’m sure I’ll have the same struggles
Mike brought up a good point… it’s also about controlling what they see on TV and video games are HORRIBLE! I will not allow my son to play or see video games that are violent. I’m also careful about what my daughters watch on TV, even Disney shows! I dislike it when the characters disrespect their parents, brothers, etc….social media is horrible too 🙁
I would love to say controlling tv or any other form of video would solve your problem, I raised a son and a daughter,my daughter never create weapons-my son as young as 2 wanted to shoot things. we had a wonderful toy that had a few pieces you could interchange to make different musical instruments. My son create weapons of choice with that toy. Why? Everything in our house was viewed as a possibilty of something that could shoot. I finally relented when he was four and bought a cap gun. Everything went back to their normal function. As a young mother I allowed no guns. Nothing he watched with me was violent. Put him in a room with one other boy and the choices he had to create a weapon were endless. My daughter played with barbies and trucks. My son made barbies into shooting devices.I raised them side by side and the differences were amazing. All I can say is to love your child and listen-make them realize how to handle issues and try to keep them safe. Verbalize your feelings,so they can also.
Same here. My husband and I have always denied him play guns or weapons, “Army” play-sets with weapons on the vehicles, cowboy sets with a gun in a holster (thanks grandma), or watching anything violent, but it seemed the more I denied him, the more I would find him outside shooting with a stick in his hand. I do think it’s a boy thing because he didn’t get any of that from us…
Great topic! It’s good to read I’m not alone…I’m a mom that’s totally into peace and not violence. But, my son is the same way as many others on here…making guns and “blasting” everything! I just try to add my spin on it…if he is “blasting” me I ask him what he’s blasting me with…chocolate syrup, ketchup? I try my best to keep the gun play as non-violent as possible. 🙂
So, you know I love you and I am the anti you in many ways because I am the Southern Belle/Country Girl who can literally self sustain in the woods with a knife and a flint. We definitely support guns although I do believe something needs to be done about the people with mental problems or just plain criminals who seem to be able to obtain them regardless of gun laws. Certainly making and enforcing stricter background checks isn’t a bad thing.
I teach my children a respect for guns (we are avid hunters) so they know how to care for one, shoot one, and how they are never for harming people. That being said, they are also always locked up-I don’t even have a key, my husband who is an officer keeps it someplace outside of our home until we are using the guns- and the ammo is locked up in an ammo safe separately.
I want to back up 14 years, though. I was married to a Pastor with a lengthy background of mental illness so weapons of any sort were never in our home. My oldest son came out of the womb loving guns. I could ban them, throw them away, etc, and he was shooting something with his fingers, legos, heck a barbie would become a weapon as he folded her in the middle and said “click clack blouw” You are right that boys especially have an innate love to be the “hero” and save the world which usually involves their love of guns.
The best I can do is teach them respect. Even if you don’t believe in guns, don’t own them, I believe it is imperative to teach them respect for them and how to care for them: never touch the trigger, always assume they are loaded, etc because at some point in their life they may come across a gun and accidents DO happen. Sad but true story, my then 12 year old went to a neighbors house 2 years ago, and his idiot dad let them play with real samarai (sp?) swords in the front yard. My son came immediately home and told me about this, knew it was unsafe because we have taught him that weapons are to be respected, NOT played with, and it was the last time my son went there. You never know what another child’s parents believe and what they will encounter at someone else’s home.
My brother died in a hunting accident 2 years before I was born. My “cousin” died when he was 15 in a hunting accident a couple of years ago. The first was pure accident, the second was a gun that was believed to be unloaded went off. I’m not a lover of guns. However, even with this tragic past, I feel that guns are not bad as a whole. It’s the individuals who use them that do bad things. I still have family members that hunt, and although not something I like to do, I appreciate the food that it brings in to the household. If used appropriately and with respect then I believe that there is nothing wrong with them.
my son loves playing guns. We always try to explain how to “never point a gun (even fake) at someones face,” the difference between fake guns and real guns. It is very hard but there is a need to try to stop the wrong people from getting guns.
I totally agree. We need to have gun control laws but we still have to understand that our children are going to be children. Trying to cal attention to kids playing cops and robbers and other games is normal!!
I have never understood the reasoning, or the panic, some parents have at the sight of a child playing with a gun. My son seemed to be drawn to them, almost obsessed with them, since he was in diapers. My own Mother used to say “I’m so worried about his love of weapons, It really scares me.” I don’t understand why people automatically jump to the negative and the ‘bad’ side of a child’s interest in weapons. I fully supported and encouraged ALL of my sons interests, whether it was the drums or a toy machine gun. Today my son is now a 28 yr old college graduate who plays drums in a band on weekends and teaches weapons safety classes during the week. Lighten up, people! If your daughter is interested in high heels, do you worry she may become an exotic dancer or do you brag that she will be a great fashion designer?
Thank you for writing such an insightful article. We are raising two girls and years ago I was the victim of a sexual assault. At times I believe I would feel safer if we had a gun in the house. Other times you read about small children accidentally shooting other kids, and I simply do not know what the answer is. Should we have guns to protect ourselves from those that do? Will are children be safer in this crazy word if we continue to stress safety and avoidance? I wish I knew. Thanks for addressing the boys and guns issues. It gives both gun control advocates and those that believe everyone has a right to firearms something to consider.