That is how we have raised our son. People are not a color or a size or anything else that may set them apart descriptively in a different way from us. Because we either look for similarities or we celebrate everyone’s differences.
And differences abound. We know families with single moms either through adoption or surrogacy. We know many people with many different and/or mixed heritages. Our neighborhood is not homogeneous, thank goodness.
I grew up feeling different than everyone around me. That was not a comfortable feeling. I couldn’t wait to move into NYC to get lost in the millions so people could not identify me as the gay one, the fat one, or just the sissy. Yes, full of self esteem I was.
And my son is different. So I want him to feel he is similar to everyone in that everyone is different. He is adopted, he is mixed race, he has 2 dads. Could he be more set apart? Not in a homogeneous area. Thankfully our neighborhood, our school, our environs, are filled with a wonderful melange of folks. My son may go to a school that is whiter in it’s population and then to the boys club that is darker in its population but we feel we have successfully raised him not to notice. And from what we can tell, he doesn’t notice, he just sees boys that could be his friends Yes, he is one of those, everyone is his friend from the onset. So different from me who grew up afraid of everyone. I think his attitude will serve him well in life.
So then he comes home and tells me black this, black that, Rosa Parks was at the back of the bus, blacks were slaves, etc. I know this is part of American history, I know it is important to learn, but I also feel it undoes my work in teaching him we are all one people. I don’t harp on the fact that the Jewish people have been persecuted through the ages because I don’t want him to feel he is set apart from people of other religions. And I don’t want him to look at people with a different skin color as different from him. But I feel that the school curriculum has taken that away from me. And in my heart I know this must all be taught, but I feel that pinpointing differences is not the way to go anymore.
Blacks were slaves in America. Jews were slaves in Egypt, gays have always been persecuted, etc.. My fear is he is being taught to see differences in people, while I am trying to teach we are all in this together. Illustrate how everyone was oppressed, not just one people, don’t harp on the differences amongst people, temper this information with examples of how we are all the same, how many peoples have suffered, etc.
I say it is time to move forward as one people, not as many separate factions. We all need to learn to teach our children in a new way. But how?
Love this post,Ive tried to do the same with my kids an grandkids,too bad everyone doesnt do the same with their kids
Maybe you’re right, but the thing is that history hasn’t stopped. While differences are more or less celebrated or at least accepted in most of the country, who knows what event will cause bigotry to become the norm again? Maybe a different type of bigotry toward a whole new “other.” And while religion, skin color, and sexual orientation are not a “thing” anymore–at least not as much as they were even less than a decade ago, maybe we should still make sure our schools teach about examples of bigotry.
One thing is that maybe we don’t trust our schools to do a good job teaching about this delicate subject. It’s a hit-or-miss, and not all teachers are up to the task.
Interesting.
I have a friend who describes people by everything but race. It used to puzzle me but I get it. I understand WHY she would use other attributes to describe people. I try to do it myself. It’s tough but so necessary to ensure that people are people and not a color.
History repeats itself, but why? Because we fail ensure that the next generation is informed of the past. Don’t shy away from talking about it. I grew up going to predominantly white schools, yet my family participated in the Civil Rights Movement. They taught me the history while emphasizing the importance of equality. It helped me understand the progress that society has made and how much further we have to go. Don’t shy away from explaining where he comes from and even the struggles that you faced in the past. He will be a better man because of it.
http://www.activedutydad.com/2013/01/passing-history-on-martin-luther-king-jr.html
I agree 100% with Theron. I see your point, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to acknowledge difference and/or teach history (although I wouldn’t trust school alone to do that, but that’s a whole other post). I’m white and Jewish and my wife is black and Christian, so our son is constantly around difference and we don’t ignore it. To me it’s more about how you do it and what meaning you help your son make of it that counts. The reality is that as much as you’ve taught him “not to notice”, he will at some point, and I suspect he has based upon the questions/statements he’s bringing home to you. That’s when you’ll want it to be you that he’s getting his information from and have an open line of communication about these things.
Hey Mitch! Good post and I agree with a lot of what you are saying. As you know, I am the mother of three mixed race boys in midwest America…surburbia, so I have a special connection for what you are discussing. And, while I appreciate the fact that we “are all in this together,” we are not the same. Our differences and unique qualities (physical, spiritual, religous ethnic heritage, etc.) enrich our country and make us stronger. We have to teach our kids understanding and appreciation for the special traits and background every kid brings to the table. We also have to get educators to see strengths in kids beyond the traditional — some kids are not good academically and even may be the class clowns — but they may, if given the opportunity, become the future Billy Crystal or Tyler Perry…So we have to have open minds and hearts. But I firmly contend that some kids will naturally be better than others in certain skills be they academic, athletic or the arts, etc., and in that sense we are not the same. We should not celebrate mediocrity so that all the kids feel good and nobody gets hurt…so we’re all treated the same. Life is not like that and is a bad lesson. Don’t dumb down academics, sports, etc., to make us all feel better, good about ourselves and our world. We all have to find what we are good at, sometimes it takes a lifetime. I know that was not your key message but when I read “we are all the same,” I had to respond — especially as my kids are competitive athletes. Happy New Year!
Great post! I agree. We try not to use any descriptive labels in our home, as well. Growing up, my best friend was black and my other best friend’s mom was gay. I didn’t realize EITHER of these things until my parents pointed these facts out to me years later. They were just really important people in my life sans labels and I remember feeling so shocked that these people I loved could be labeled. I love what you are doing and I guess we all have to figure out how to recognize the past while holding true to our beliefs today.
Hello my sweet friend. I am skipping most of the comments because I want to comment directly on your post.
I want to preface this by saying that I am white, straight and in the south but I do have many friends who are non-white, from other cultures or ethnicities and who are gay.
I teach my children we do not refer to people by their skin color or most other physical characteristics. (The girl in the wheelchair, that black boy, that fat girl, the girl who talks funny etc are all unacceptable) You may think your son doesn’t notice the difference between his school (mostly lighter skin tones) and boys club (Mostly darker) but I bet he does. I feel that history is extremely important to teach children and it is important that they know how people acted in the past and that it is unacceptable so that it is not repeated in the future.
Noticing the majority?minority shade difference of a locale doesn’t have to be a big deal though…as long as he is taught to embrace the differences as wonderful and well…just the coolest thing ever.
My daughter became aware of different races when she was a baby. I worked at a daycare in a lower income area and our ratio was really about 50/45/5 lighter children/darker children/hispanic children and we had teachers from several different cultural backgrounds. My daughter was 6 months old when she started attending and her favorite teacher was a young black lady. I know she noticed because my daughter would beg to be picked up and would lay her skin against the teachers and rub both and stare and marvel. We have always had a diverse population of baby dolls in our house but the non-white dolls are played with the most and loved the best.
My daughter recently turned 5 and lately she has been very interested in race. I don’t have time to find the actual convo on facebook where I posted it originally but she recently asked why some people are brown and some are white. (She says there are no black people or white people…only colored people. When I explained that this phrase is considered pretty mean she asked why and flipped my arm over so the underside was facing up. She pointed to my veins and said “purple” then to my pasty white skin and said “light pink” to some freckles “Brown”, to a darker spot on my skin “Tan” to a scar “yellowy-white”, to a newer scar “Dark pink” to a “boo-boo” “red”…. then she did the same to herself then looked at me and said “Mommy. we are both colored. Nobody is just plain white. God used his colors to make us all prettier. and Miss Tapley is chocolate. I wish I were chocolate. Can I be brown mommy? Why is Miss Tapley Brown?”
So we talked about melanin. My 5 year old can tell you that black folks just have more melanin in their skin and melanin protects them from the sun and from mutations that lead to skin cancer and the reason they have more than mommy does is because their ancestors grew up in a spot on the earth that was closer to the son than mommy’s ancestors did. Why can she tell you that? Because I told her that. Matter-of-factly. She accepted it and moved on and she still notices racial differences and cultural differences (My son’s “Girlfriend” is Mexican-American and their babysitter is mexican-American…she is married to a man from El Salvador…so both of their families have different traditions that our very white family embrace and partake in.
My daughter knows about slavery because we witnessed some ignorance one day in a store. an old white man treated a young black lady heinously and called her a naughty word. So we talked about that word and why we don’t say it. I gave context with the word “Colored” and explained on a 5 year old level about the struggle that went on for so long to get equal rights for folks of all colors. And she gets it.
I think the best route you can go here is to find similarities AND Differences between all races etc. and continue teaching him we are all one. I don’t think that is lost. I think he DOES need to understand context and understand how far we have come as a people. That warms my heart more than just saying”Oh we are one people.”
I have to get dressed for work but i know this is rambly. i’m so tired and sick. BUT I had to throw my 4 cents in. unfortunately it’s all jangled together and I think one coin may have gum on it. careful with that one. I’ll try to organize my thoughts and write more later.
My neighborhood is very mixed now with Mexicans, Vietnamese, black and white. You may have certain opinions about different races, but that would be shot down real quick when you get to know them. Everyone is different and many times we only hear about the people who are committing crimes. What about all the millions who just want to be law-abiding people and who just want to have a job and work hard.
Awesome post! I think at the end of the day, your son will learn the values that you are teaching him. I think you are doing an amazing job, and I hope to raise my son with the same values. Maybe we can start with our children’s generation and make a better place for their children.
I don’t know why people are the way they are it hurts so much to see some people even treat children badly because of race and I don’t even like the word race because it’s another label that bad people can use .
Bigotry is only defeated when adults teach their children that being different is okay. We’ve come a long way, but we can’t stop teaching. Also, let your adult friends who say ugly things know that you don’t approve of those comments ever.