When you are in a same sex marriage with an adopted son, this is a question that is bound to come up. I have not read the books and I don’t know who I can believe when they say they are an expert; so my plan had been to just wing it when pressed to answer this type of question. And by winging it, I mean to be as honest as possible, with occasional evasiveness.
“You have a birth mom.” This is how I refer to the woman that grew my son in her belly for 8 1/2 months. She is not his mom, I have been the one doing all of the traditional mom jobs in my son’s life. But she did give birth to him. And five other children. So I tell him that she couldn’t take care of any of them. Not to demean her, but to allay any thoughts he might have that he was the one left behind, not kept. Again, honest and also protective.
And he knows we are his parents. Any questions that come up are not to put distance in our relationship, but rather, just to answer his own queries as to how we all came together. And he loves us and is completely part of the family, just as much as we are. But he has 2 dads and no mom. So whatever comes along, there will always be that tiny bit of difference for him. Thankfully in this day and age there are other children with 2 dads. And 2 moms. And several single parents in our school who are single and parents by choice, families with only 1 parent. I use this to point out to my son that all families are different. “So and so has no dad and only one parent, you have 2!” And I know she really doesn’t, her mom was artificially inseminated. Again, thankfully, there are many adopted kids in our school, many families that came together in different ways, my concern is always that my son not stand out for this, my concern that he will know he is different, with the knowledge that many in his life are different. In that respect we are hetero – heterogeneous!
Next – can I see my birth mom? No. No way. Not ever. Over my dead body.
Of course that is just in my head, I am not perfect, I have some fears resting in the back of my insecure brain. But, out loud, I say of course, when you are 18. “Why 18?” Because when you are 18 she cannot steal you away from us! Again, I do not say that out loud, but that is the fear in many adopted parents minds. I tell him 18 because that is when he is legally an adult. He has not pressed me for more information yet on that score. I know that he needs some amount of maturity, that being 18 will bring, to face such an emotional situation. My philosophy is, the truth is important, I want to support all his needs, and I get to decide when he is ready to handle this part of his personal history.
So I will just continue to stalk her via social media until my son turns 18! Shh, don’t tell him!
Hugs. some tough conversations, but I think you are doing the best thing, answer the questions as they come, don’t try to overload with info!
I LOVE you for writing this post and one day when he turns 18 and reads this he will love you even more- because he’ll truly at that point realize YOU are his mom…you are the one who took him to school, cuddled him, did his laundry oh and got him a BOATLOAD of toys to boot. You are his parent- and no one can EVER take that bond away.
i think your son is just curious and thats ok hes young and i think you handle it great, you dont shoot him down or deny him. even if he does chose to contact this woman at 18 i think by adulthood he will realize everything you have given him his whole life, nobody can change that or steel that from you
Thanks for sharing this personal post. Sounds like you are handling the conversations really well. That’s true that so many families nowadays have a different makeup from the traditional model.
we adopted our daughter thru foster care at age 12,she an her 3 siblings had been in foster care since she was age 6,,she too ask me about her bio mom,who she remembers as doing drugs an selling herself an not taking care of them,has been in prison,,I told her the same thing at age 18 you are feel to find her if that is what you need to do,,she found her bio dad who also had been in prison,an hadnt seen her since age 2,,,she made contact with both an for a few months all was sunshine an roses,,being in prison wasnt their fault,losing their kids wasnt their faults,,it didnt take too long for her to find out that they were still losers an didnt deserve her attention,,,so she told me all about it an I looked at her an said well im sorry it happened an now you understand why we didnt let you look for them before you turned 18 an she said yes an that she was sorry that she ever contacted them,an I said but you had to find out for yourself,, an now you know,,there are no easy answers as to what to do,you have to do what you feel is best for your child,,,I was hurt that she wanted to findthem,but didnt say anything,,she found out what they were an has no contact with them now,she is now 20,,an could have moved near them but shes still close by me,,good luck,,its not easy
Our daughter was adopted from Korea so, with language, cultural and distance issues, finding her birth mother has never seemed like a possibility. She would ask occasionally when she was growing up but now that she is 26 she is too busy with her life to dwell on it. We have always explained that your family is the family that raised you & loves you and that all families are different. Families are rarely like the Cleavers and I am so glad to see that popular culture is starting to show real families to our children so that everyone who grows up in a family that is the least bit non-traditional isn’t going to always be looking over their shoulder thinking that somehow they are different from “everyone” else. You are a good parent – just keep doing what you are doing and you will raise a fine young man.
You handled it beautifully!
I think your awesome and he’s lucky to have you. I would bet he knows that too.
I love my readers!
And, really, between you and your husband, one of you, if not both, fill the mother-ing role. So, technically, yes…I have always said this about single parents, when the other isn’t involved…the one that is the parent, is BOTH parents.
I know that on rare occassion birth parents may kidnap their children (or threaten to) – but that is so rare. I don’t know enough about your son’s birth mom, and perhaps she poses a threat, but I do believe in many cases that adoptive parents who fear the birth parents and them stealing the child do so with no real cause.
I am a birth mom and placed my son with gay Dads, and this post made me sad, not because I’m a birth mom but because my son is an adoptee. Your son’s identity is made up of both the part he was born with and the part you have nurtured. Writing that you don’t want him to ever meet people from the nature part of him sets this up like it’s a competition – you verse her. Having your child able to explore the nature side of him by learning about, interacting with, maybe even having visits with his birth family while not feeling like he is choosing them over you can be a good thing – in fact for my son it has been a gift that we as his parents (both adoptive and birth) have given him. My son (I’m in an open adoption with his family and am part of their family) will never feel like he has to choose, because his Dads have never seen my love as competing with them, but rather just an important addition to their sons life.
And as a side note, what happens when your son finds and reads this, where you say you support him and don’t want him to have a negative feeling about where he came from in the same place you say “over my dead body” about him meeting his birth mom? Don’t you think that’s sending mixed messages and making it so he feels he has to choose?
the “over my dead body” was me relating a thought in my head.
I will be the first one to buy us tickets for him to meet his birth parents when he is 18. I would never stop him from discovering his heritage, you misunderstood, I was relating my fear vs. what I would do in reality for my son, which is almost anything.
Great Post! Ultimately ‘family’ are the ones that are there for you in good and bad, and sometimes ‘family’ is not even blood related to you at all! Your son is lucky to have you and vice versa, he brings out all the best in you, and to me that’s family!
Great post! IMO a parents job is to do what they feel is right for their child’s well being, not what society believes. My son is raised by myself and my husband who has been in his life since he was one. My son has only known my husband as his father and until he asks,(or is old enough to understand) I will not tell him that my husband is not his “sperm donor”. Since the “sperm donor” never calls, asks about him etc. I refuse to put unnecessary hurt or questions of abandonment into his head or heart. When he is older he will see, know and understand…. Just as I did….
Kids ask some pretty astonishing questions about so many subjects don’t they? I still remember trying to explain to a 7 yr old what “feminine hygiene” was in a crowded CVS 😉 I can’t fathom how difficult it must be to navigate discussions like the ones you are having with your boy. All I can advise is to just keep talking to him. Kudo’s to you for handling such sensitive matters with him so beautifully.
Very heart-touching!
Thanks for sharing….
I’ve told some of my friends about your blog, they are dealing with similar conversations.
It maybe easier these days cuz there are so many different families & BOOKS to help but doesn’t mean it’s not hard. ~HUGS!~
I hope this doesn’t come across as accusatory or anything else. I feel very strongly about the importance of openness. This doesn’t necessarily mean fully identifying information needs to be exchanged. But your son DOES have a mom….and another dad somewhere out there. Their roles in your son’s life don’t take away from yours and your partner’s roles in your son’s life. I heard a story of a panel of birthmoms and one of the hopeful adoptive parents in the crowd said that she wanted to adopt from a foreign country because then she wouldn’t have to “deal” with the child’s birth parent(s). One of the birthmoms on the panel said back to her that she would always have to “deal” with that child’s birth parents in the form of that child. Whether you like it or not, you do not share biology with your son, and unfortunately biology will strongly dictate who your son is and is becoming (not that the nurture you’re providing doesn’t play an important part – it does). Like Racilous (above), I’m a birthmom in an open adoption with my daughter and her parents. I also know MANY parents through adoption, some of them adoption through foster care where the child is coming from less than perfect circumstances. One in particular set up a PO Box recently to send a letter with no last names or specific location information to her daughter’s birth mom. The letter she received back was that her daughter’s birth mom was happy her daughter was in such a good home and that she only thought of her with love. You can NEVER have too many people to love a child. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding your son’s relinquishment but it is possible to open your hearts to the fact that your son’s biology cannot be erased by a legal document transferring parental rights. My heart hurts for your son that your fears are preventing him from being able to know his roots and preventing YOU from knowing them as well, which might give you more insight into who your son is.
I wrote a long post here but it hasn’t appeared. If this is a cross-post somehow, feel free to delete it.
Basically, I am a lesbian with a partner and two adopted daughters. This means we have a total of four moms in our family.
You may not want to read books by experts you aren’t sure how to evaluate, but I must recommend you read the writing of adoptees themselves, who can give you tremendous insight into what it feels like to be in your son’s shoes.
I wrote a guest post on The Declassified Adoptee, last November. It just happens to be exactly about the topic you raise here. You might want to check it out: declassifiedadopteeDOTcom/2011/11/separating-adoptee-rights-fromDOThtml then browse Amanda’s own writing. She is a sane and intelligent voice on these matters.
Also: If your adoption is fully legal, your son’s mother can’t “steal him away.”
It’s hard for me to believe that you truly think this is the case. It rings disingenuous. But if you do believe this you are really misinformed and/or had a terrible lawyer for your adoption.
No one can take a legally adopted child from his parents unless those parents abuse or neglect or otherwise call themselves to the attention of Child Protective Services in the same way a bio-related family might.
If you do have some lingering fear in spite of the facts, it is an irrational fear and should not affect your parenting decisions.
This is a blog where I share my thoughts, we are completely open with our son, I am just writing from the perspective of a scared adoptive parent, but I do not act like that wth my son. I took pictures of his birth mom to see when he i older, I would be thrilled to take him to meet her on his 18th birthday, I want to be 100% open, but this doesn;t mean I don’t share fears with other adoptive parents, gay or striaght. I never tell him a question is wrong, I am always truthful. And agin, where we live, there are so many adoptive and differently made familites, that we are almost the norm.
And, I do this because Imet an older woman who’s parents made her feel like being adopted was bad. I met he when I started the process, she is almost my parents age and comes form a time when things were not open. And then my son was born, and he was born on her birthday, in her home state. I feel vey spiritual regarding this whol matter and try to let God lead me.
Why can’t he see a picture of his birthmom now? It is impossible for me to see how that could harm him and there are so many ways it could help him develop his sense of self. It’s not a visit or even a letter.
Just yesterday my kids were clamouring to go over their life books with me. My older daughter spent half of her time gazing at the pictures we have of her natural mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and half-siblings, picking my mind for every detail I know about them. I love to help her see herself in them. It seems to make her feel really good to see people who look like her–especially since our adoptions are transracial.
She’s eight. A ten-year old in this culture is really on the verge of adolescence (which seems these days to both begin younger and last longer). Your son is developing a sense of identity. I don’t know if you were out to your parents when you were ten, but you might think in those terms. What kind of difference would it make to a ten-year old to be able to be totally honest with his parents about his full self?
An awful lot of kids get cues from adoptive parents that curiosity about biological origins is taboo and they shut down about it until much later. If you are as open as you say in your real life, why pretend to be less open on this blog? Because this post does not lead a reader to believe you actually are open, but that you are fearful and choose to dodge your son’s curiosity.
I am not sure what the real-life adoptee friend you mention has to do with this conversation. But I know many real-life adoptees of all ages. Some care a lot about learning biological connections. Others say they don’t care at all. But there is no way to orchestrate which way it will go for our kids. How important those connections are will be something for them to decide–not us.
I see this as a completely separate issue for whether or not it okay to be from a family that strays from the hetero-norm.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your honesty is very refreshing. Often, we hear stories of adopted families that are less than completely honest about why their kids have no contact with the biological parents. My kids are biologically mine as well, and I always fear something happening to take them away, kidnapping,illness, etc. (The world is a dangerous place.) I would hate to have to add another reason such as someone who may (ever) feel they have a claim on my child. You have my respect!
Anna, one of my quibbles with the original post here is the misleading notion that a biological parent can take back an adopted child. This is simply so very improbable as to me almost impossible. We hear stories in the media about this sometimes and they scare people. But in 99.9% of those cases, the children returned to biological parents were not legally adopted. They may have been somewhere in the process of adoption, which the media might call adoption as shorthand, or simply because whoever is doing the reporting doesn’t know the difference either.
But fear that a legally adopted child will be returned to a biological parent is irrational fear and really has no place in serious parenting decisions.
But the fact is, a biological parent DOES have a claim on her adopted child. She (or he in the case of a father) will always be that child’s flesh and blood. Adoptees at different stages of life may have different feelings about what that means to them, ranging from very little, to very much. It is the adoptee’s feelings that must be considered first in deciding how to handle these matters.
My children are both adopted as well and their biological kin are as important to them as their adopted kin. The love my children have for their biological kin does absolutely nothing to diminish their love for me. And in the Unted States, with legal adoption (such as mine) those kin have no legal claims on them whatsoever to challenge my authority as their parent.
Please don’t leave this site thinking that adoptive parents all live in fear of losing their children to biological family. We absolutely don’t, nor is there any reason we should. Many of us long for deeper and better relationships with our children’s biological families, because they are, in a way, part of our beloved children.
Hi Mitch. I think you handled it beautifully. I understand being scared of losing your son. I am a single mother who is raising two small children. I left their father 3 years ago because i didn’t want them to grow up seeing their father tell their mother to “shut the f*** up.”I just tell her that sometimes mommy’s and daddy’s don’t get along anymore.
She also asks about families around us. There are kids at her school being raised by grandparents, there are kids being raised by aunts or uncles or cousins or siblings. There is at least one kid at her school who has lesbian parents. So she asked me why her friend doesn’t have a daddy.
I honestly didn’t even consider it a hard question. I just told her that sometimes girls love boys and have a traditional family with mommy and daddy. and sometimes boys love boys or girls love girls and those families are not traditional but they are just as good as a traditional family. They are not worse or bad. They are the different but the same. I have gay friends and lesbian friends. We love them the same way we love all friends. It’s extremely important to me to encourage my daughter and my son to love all people and to love and appreciate their own family.
I am not yet divorced from my children’s father so I worry about him taking them from me. I should have divorced him a year ago when I would have surely been able to take sole custody and move on. now i’m probably going to have to have shared custody. I’m not sure i trust him to treat my children well. The last time he was in charge of my daughter he fastened her into a high chair for five hours while she screamed and cried. She was only 15 months old 🙁
I’m still not ready to forgive him or accept him being in control of their lives.
Ultimately you have to live where you are and love where you are. You also have to accept everything on your own terms. I’ve learned that not everyone can accept me on my terms. They can either do it my way or live without me in their life. I don’t have time to adapt to be the girl they want me to be.
sorry to whine 😉
It sounds like you have done good so far! Best of luck in the years to come!